One-way ticket

Many of you already know.  You've seen something on Facebook, you've heard it through the grapevine, maybe I've even told you in person.  For the rest of you, though, it's time for me to come clean. I'm moving to Colombia (South America) on Wednesday.  I'll be continuing this business of volunteering, though in a very new capacity.  Universidad La Salle is a university in Colombia run by the De La Salle Christian Brothers (FSC), and I am going to work in their Utopia program.  Utopia is an Agricultural Engineering program based in El Yopal (about 350 km from Bogota) that brings in bright young farmers/students from deep Colombia, particularly from communities affected by drug violence, with the intention of training these people as entrepreneurs with the skills to change the economic opportunities available in their communities.  True to the mission of the Brothers, Utopia is a way to change the world through education.  I will be living in student housing, eating in the dining hall, and teaching English to these intrepid young people.  I suspect I'll learn more Spanish than they will English, but I will do my best and hopefully not cause too much damage.  

I have a lot of feelings as I prepare for this next journey.  My bags are mostly packed, my room is mostly cleaned out, and my goodbyes are mostly said.  My two years in Albany have been great.  I made a point of making this place my home, and saying goodbye to a home is hard.  I'm sure over the next couple days, as I make my way to New York City and then on to Bogota, that I will find myself struggling to unpack the many experiences I've had here.  The boys at LaSalle School, my many friends on the river, the people who have been with me here day in and day out, all these people have changed me, shaped my thoughts and feelings about this place, and I am sad to depart from them.  There have been great times here, and there have been days that challenged my faith, and both have helped me become who I am now.  I have grown tremendously in my abilities to work with challenging youth, in my wilderness abilities, and even in my self-confidence (though some of you will argue that I didn't need any more of THAT), which might make what I say next somewhat perplexing.

I take all my experiences and new skills with me to Colombia, my carry-on bag of personal tools, if you will.  I also take a lot of doubts and concerns about whether I can really do this, whether I can do the job I have been called to do.  Frighteningly, there are implications here somewhat beyond my control.  There are some people watching to see if this could blaze a trail for future volunteers.  If my experience is a blinding success, then I suppose that would be a good sign.  But what if it this all turns into some dismal flop?  I'd rather not think about it.  Similarly, there is little (i.e. "no") evidence that the university has hosted a volunteer like this before. What if I turn out not to be what they expect?  Will they ever be willing to take the risk again after me?  Another thing I'd rather not think about.  These doubts have been tugging at me for some time now, and much though I'd rather not think about them, they're almost ALL I think about.  Every time somebody asks, "So are you excited?", I freeze for a second as my courage wavers.  I am decidedly NOT excited.  Very few times in my life has there been the real possibility of failure.  I have done a pretty darn good job of setting myself up for success, and when failure has been a likely outcome, I've done those things in private.  Putting my failure on a world stage is truly a painful thought.  

There has been one comfort in this process, one piece of advice I keep reminding myself of.  At the Lasallian Volunteers' debriefing retreat, one of the other LVs quoted I-don't-know-who when she said, "Sometimes the right person for the job is the one who is willing."  Sure, I'm trepidatious about the whole thing, but I'm also willing, and maybe that's enough.  Writers often claim that courage is not being unafraid, but taking positive action even when you're scared witless.  I pray that I have enough courage to get through this, and enough skill to come out the other end better than when I went in.

Wish me luck, remember me in your prayers, and as always, don't hesitate to leave something in the comments section below.

Happy Monday!

Alex