So, the why…
Number 1: work. I feel like I’m working and working and working and working and working without getting anywhere. I honestly don’t think I’m a very good teacher. Maybe not a bad teacher, but definitely not a very good one. That was a hard pill to swallow at first, but the empirical facts are hard-to-dispute evidence. My first semester, 50% of my students didn’t pass. This semester was going much better, but within the last 3 weeks my freshmen gave up. Literally. They en masse stopped coming to class or turning in homework, and 9 out of 20 in the level two group failed to show up for the final. In total, 12/20 in that group failed the course. In my other groups, the students who have done reasonably well all along are still OK, but they too are flagging so much in motivation that going to class is difficult for both of us. With the students who were always on the edge, the last couple weeks have seen them slipping toward the brink. In a place where my work is essentially all I have, feeling like I’m not any good at it is, with certitude, detrimental to my happiness.
Which brings me to number 2: work is all I have. In other places, in other situations, work is something you do and the rest of your life is free from it. It’s not necessary to take your job home at night (usually), and your friends outside of work give life a balance that makes the tough days with one easier to deal with because of the other. Here, for me, that is not the case. When I finish class at 6:00, I have dinner with the same students who are frustrating (or sometimes impressing) me. If I play soccer at night, it’s with my students. When they don’t turn in homework the next day, I have to ask myself how it is that they feel they have enough time to play soccer when they aren't finishing their academic work. When I have a really hard day in class, when my students make me want to pull out my hair, who do I have to talk to? Only my students. Some might ask, “What about the other professors? Why can’t you talk to them?” I have to admit that while one problem here is logistical, the other is personal. Logistically, they work here, and that’s the only time I see them – when they’re working. They all leave by about 4:00, and in the morning they’re teaching and I’m planning/grading etc. There isn’t exactly a social hour. The other issue, the personal one, is pride. There was a French guy who came for about 3 weeks early on. People have mostly already forgotten his name, but on the occasion they do talk about him, they still talk about how he couldn’t hack it. I didn’t want to be that guy who, dropped into a foreign culture, left behind the idea that, he "couldn’t hack it.” It’s a pride thing, honestly. I admit it. Does pride serve me in the long run? Obviously not. But the situation is what it is.
Number 2 part b: there is no escape. People ask me all the time, “Do you have a girlfriend in Colombia?” And really, I mean EVERYBODY asks me this. My students, other professors, random people that I meet. They all think I’m secretly having an affair with a beautiful Colombian woman who lives in Yopal. I guess that’s flattering, but nobody seems to realize that I generally get to leave campus about twice a month, for one night. Because of my schedule, there really is no opportunity to leave. I have class 6 days a week – only my Sunday is free. And on Saturday my class ends at six o’clock, by which time everybody going to Yopal has usually already left. So how do I get there? I don’t. Getting off campus is not something I have the luxury of doing casually, and so even though I actually do know a couple people in Yopal, I almost never see them. Frankly it’s a depressing state of affairs.
Number 3: I miss home. This one was hard for me to admit. I’ve been essentially transient since I left home for college when I was 18. Every place I’ve moved, I’ve always gone knowing it was temporary. For a long time, that hasn’t bothered me. I’ve always known I would get back to Montana eventually, and the knowing made the rest of my adventures... adventurous. I’m struggling lately, though, with the idea that I’m getting tired of not having a home. I –and this feels crazy to say- want to be permanent, which makes feeling transient disheartening rather than adventurous. Of course, even leaving Colombia doesn’t mean I'll suddenly be settling down. There are still a lot of things I need to do that I know will keep me away from Montana, but I’m going back for six months, and that's something I feel really good about. I was surfing the internet last week when I found myself wandering to the Montana tourism page, and I wound up on the town profile for Columbia Falls. I got really emotional, unexpectedly, (I think partly due to chronic sleep deprivation that week – I was a little out of balance) and it surprised me but at the same time vindicated what I’ve been thinking about myself. I need Montana.
So, in a “nutshell,” that’s why I’m leaving Colombia. From here I’m headed back to Montana, via New York and Minneapolis. I want to see a few friends in NY and I need to take care of some banking issues. My mom is in Minneapolis, so I’m going to visit her for a couple days. My dad works in Afghanistan, but I might get to see him and my mom in Montana this summer. He has some time off in July, and they’re planning on being out that way.
As long as I’ve started telling you all about everything that’s happening in my life, I guess I’ll mention grad school, too. I’ve been looking at going back to school for economics, although recently I’ve been thinking about public policy, as well. My goal is to do something that, afterward, will help me address broader social justice issues. I personally believe that policy is most essentially run by economics, that monetary arguments drive the political engine and are at the heart of social justice issues in the US, which is why I want to go into economics. At the same time, I’ve been talking to my academic adviser from college and I wonder if a knowledge of policy might not be more effective for what I’m hoping to do afterward. It’s a pretty nebulous situation, for now, but we’ll see what happens. I’ve been studying a bit for the GRE, which I figure I’ll take this coming fall, and looking around at schools. I would like to stay in the Pacific Northwest, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of opportunity in that area, so I’m also considering the northeast. I would like to avoid NYC, the southwest, and the south, but I don’t know, ultimately, how feasible that will be. I have a lot of things to think about over the course of the next 6 months or so, and the decisions I make could well shape where I'm headed for the next several years, so I hope God gives me some help on this one.
I realize that I failed to outline my near future plans… I worked on a guest ranch in Montana for two summers during college, and they’ve taken me back for a third season. I’m starting May 5, and I’ll work until the end of October. At the beginning and end of the season I’ll be an all-around, which means I’ll work in the dining room, housekeeping, and possibly some child care (?). During the main part of the season I’m going to be a prep cook. It’s not really a step toward anything, but it gets me back in Montana and it gives me a chance to save a little money. Room and board are covered during employment, so what I make in my paycheck won't be going to those most basic expenses. Of course, life still costs money, but I'm trying to do it the most cost-effective way I can. In the 6 months I’m working I’ll earn a little money, pay some taxes, and come out financially a much better off than I am right now. Three years of volunteering has seriously depleted my savings (mostly because I’m paying loans while earning no money), so this will give me a little cushion while I figure out what I’m doing next... But mostly, I’m just excited to be going back to Montana.
I hope all of you out there are well, and thank you for reading. As always, feel free to leave a comment or send me an email.
Alex
