Well, I've been here a little more than 6 months, and finally I think I can say that I am truly settling in. When I first came, it was obvious to me that I really had no idea what was going on. I was swimming through my job pleased to be doing it, but knowing I was not as effective as I could be. Time went on, and I slowly grew more comfortable with my responsibilities as a recreation coordinator, but still, there was a level of familiarity I knew I hadn't reached. When I see staff who have been here longer, I see in their movements a kind of familiarity with their position and with the kids that makes things look easy. They know what's up, and the kids know it, too. What I've been missing, what I knew I was missing but couldn't name, was confidence. I'm good at positive self-talk. I encourage myself, I act confident, I walk tall, and when I decide to do something, I do it. Inside, though, I always have the nagging doubt about whether or not I'm doing things right, or doing the right thing. Just in the last week or two, though, that doubt has been fading away. I've noticed the change in myself, and I've noticed the change in the boys. The boys are very good at picking up on when they can or can't manipulate a staff. For a while, they picked up on their ability to manipulate me. If I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing, they knew, and they knew they could affect the outcome. They express that knowledge through obstinacy and defiance. They tell you how things should be (to them) and kick, scream, and yell to get what they want; because they know they can get it. Just in the last couple weeks, though, there's been a change. My confidence has flowered, and all the sudden, I'm either getting a lot less crap from the boys, or I'm just noticing it a lot less. I have a theory...
So, last Tuesday (February 8) we started a skiing program at La Salle. For two weeks in February (last and this) and two weeks in March, we'll be taking 8 kids skiing on Tuesday and 8 kids on Thursday. The boys we take are chosen based on their behavior grades in school the week previous. If the behavior grades are really good, the kid makes the list, if they aren't, he doesn't. I led both trips last week, and I'm leading one of the trips this week. I think this is where the change has really been dramatic. I've been handed a carrot, a sweet, juicy carrot, to hold out for the kids, and it's a carrot I know everything about. There is no way these kids can argue with me about any of it, because we both know that my experience in this is greater than theirs. Basketball was questionable, football the kids are clearly more experienced than I am, but skiing? All mine. When I go around campus now, boys are always asking me about when will they get to go skiing, and I have an answer ready. When kids make the list, I'm the one who tells them. When we go to the mountain, I'm the one who takes them. When they fall on the hill, I'm the one who helps them up. Having this ski program has really been for me like holding a carrot out to a wild rabbit. The rabbit would normally not let you go anywhere near it, but since you have a carrot, it lets you get a little closer, it opens an opportunity. Skiing is opening an opportunity for me with these boys.
There's something else, besides the ski program, that is changing how I interact with the boys. When I came here, I could never figure out what to talk to boys about. Do I ask them about school? How about home? About what they like to do? Every conversation was just a bit awkward, because I could never figure out how to break the ice. Now, though, the ice is finally broken. There are still some boys I don't know how to talk to, and those boys will continue to challenge me for a while, I'm sure, but with a lot of the boys I am finally at a point of familiarity where I can talk to them with depth. I know enough about their lives to ask real questions, to have actual conversations. The crux of this work is building relationships, and it is something I have been struggling with a lot since I came to Albany, but I really feel like I'm making progress. I'm optimistic.
To finish this entry, I want to tell a story that has been entertaining me for days. Last Monday I was putting together the list for Tuesday's ski trip, and part of the work there includes talking to kids to make sure they want to go on the trip. Well, I went up to Cusack, one of the divisions the boys live in, to talk to (student A) about going. While I was there, (student B) approached me about whether he was on the list. He asked because about 2 weeks before he had been on a sledding trip and asked me then about whether or not he would get to go skiing. I explained to him at the time that it would depend on his behavior in school, but that if he was doing well (which he typically does) then his chances would be very good. All he heard, of course, was "yes." Well, I answered his question by saying that his behavior grades the previous week weren't good enough to get him on the trip. He was upset, and left the conversation upset, but I didn't think too much of it.
The next morning I went into the cafeteria at breakfast to pull out the boys I needed for the day's trip. I went over to Cusack to get student A when student B, from about 25 feet away, called out "Hey Mr. Branch." I looked over and responded "what's up, (student B)? Good morning." His reply? "F*** you." I simply smiled, said thank you, and bid him good morning again. I found the whole situation funny because I could tell from the way he said hello first, and from the tone in his voice, that he didn't mean it in a hateful way. Student B was just upset about not getting to go on the trip, and the best way he could come up with to express that disappointment and frustration was to do what he did. It wasn't malicious, it was factual. When I first came to La Salle, I don't know that I would have understood that. Now, I have the pleasure of finding humor and camaraderie in such an exchange. He and I, in those few words, had a very human exchange. He conveyed everything he was feeling in the best way he could, and I responded in the way I though was most likely to let him know that I heard him without encouraging an escalation in his feelings. It was good. I am also pleased to report that student B had a good week in school and now gets to go skiing tomorrow.
Well, that's it for now. It's been a while since my last post, but maybe this makes up for it? I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and that you are all enjoying the wintry weather even as you anticipate the coming of spring. As always, if you have any questions or comments, you are free to leave them on the page or to email me.
Alex
