few scattered moments...

I didn't write what follows, and I won't tell you who did.  Just say that it's a close friend of mine who I've been thinking of lately.  I've discovered that this letter reads differently depending on where I am in my own life, maybe depending on where you are in yours.  Take a minute to think about it.  -Alex

I've thought long and hard about existence. 
Pondered on how cause and effect shape the world one lives and breathes in. 

Remembered smiling while listening to you talk all smart like at the table around 11 at night. 
The red apples not the green....... 
for some reason we just ran into each other....... 
Didn't really ever much have to look for you. 

I stopped caring about lots of things. Not by choice but by circumstance. A hard thing to explain, the brain can be present and then much farther elsewhere sometimes. I wish with all my heart it was something I could control.
I've always had to write down stories I wanted to remember.... take pictures to help my brain grasp something about the moment. 
This summer I still remember times....stories. 
And began to remember other times from past years. 
It is sad to know it will all slip away...... 

Hearing about your day and having someone to talk to was wonderful. Knowing that it actually mattered to someone. Having someone that I could actually rely on to ask a favor. 
That was the first time I began to trust someone in a long time. 


Cast aside from everything I've known for the last 6 months left me lost and alone..... surrounded by everything and places, I couldn't tell you where I am.....where I want to be...... just where I need to go. 

But the caring about someone is what I'm having a hard time with. Pain from rejection and being cast aside still lingers deep enough to take my conscious away from the social plane of people. Figuring on most levels why and how people deserve more than anything I can ever do or give. Convincing myself people will find better. 
___________________________

Of what I use to be.....I'm becoming only a skeleton. Almost like what's left of a leaf when just the veins remain. 
___________________________

I'm not asking you for any words in return...... 

thanks for just taking the moments to read this...... 
my mind wanders when I'm lost.......